Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.