God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
😬
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.