I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.