Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Love this guy
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Practicing safe sax
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.