I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
we all know this pain all too well
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.