(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
You Might Also Like
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Finally
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.