One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Straight people are cancelled
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me hitting on a model
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.