Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what