ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?