if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
LOL!
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill