If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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Just a reminder, folks:
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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