The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Great game to play with friends
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.