Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
called in thicc to work this morning
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja