I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
When you kidnap a writer.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
crochet youtube is brutal
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING