WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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📽️movie date🎞️
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
So glad we cleared that up
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
japanese corn
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.