Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The two types of wives
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery