Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?