I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.