5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.