Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”