Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t