If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
he was correct
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.