Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.