been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
🙂🙃🥹
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses