I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
You Might Also Like
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
🤣😈🤣
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.