me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
jesus christ confetti not now
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.