[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
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Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college