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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Incredible customer service.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD