I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go