I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
They’re not wrong
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”