DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time