Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
⚠️ Important Reminder:
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.