My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
You Might Also Like
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out