REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?