The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Why soy sad?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!