Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.