We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Had a spot of bother earlier.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it