pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
when mom throws a party…
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.