Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You Might Also Like
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?