You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters