I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Oh no
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries