My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You Might Also Like
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
it was a valiant fight
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Doctors texting each other.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*