I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
the council will decide your fate
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning