I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.