In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You Might Also Like
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Thinking about Jeff
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Admin smashed it 😂
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.