Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast