I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.