Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to