I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.