When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You Might Also Like
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids